When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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