You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
