i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
