I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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