my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
