Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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