i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
