Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
