My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
