He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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