I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
