Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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