I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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