I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
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