Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
