Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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