He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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