My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
