I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
