Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
