I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
