what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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