saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
