just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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