Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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