He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
