She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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