Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
