upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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