how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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