She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore