Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.