After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
