my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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