I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize