I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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