She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
