i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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