Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
