Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
