It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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