If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
