4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
COCAINE IS GR8
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