I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
