Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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