I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
