The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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