Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
