how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
