I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
