so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
