Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
