I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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