There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
