Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
