I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
