I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
